Write lists, cross out a finished task, add events in iCal and schedule down to minutes. Already for professional deformation, organizing has become the highlight of my everyday. I like to feel busy, to make my weeks as productive as possible and to work harder, not only for my work but also for the thousands of other projects in which I am involved and that I am so excited about.
I would lose count if I wanted to know how many times a week I want to multiply to get to everything. I can’t avoid it, I point to any project I’m asked to take part in and I say yes to all the interesting things I’m proposed, always ignoring that selfish point of thinking about the consequences that it has for me. I accept, and I get frustrated. I feel discouraged because at the end of the day I’d still need more hours to do all the things I had planned.
Does it happen to you too?
I don’t like to disappoint anyone. It’s an unpleasant feeling, don’t you think? That’s why I try to do my best to comply and that means taking pushing myself to the limit, not always with success. I’ll tell you straight out: I lose control. I lose the reins of my time -the one that I like to organize-, I lose control over the healthy habits that I try hard to maintain, I lose control over my emotions -causing unreasonable anger, anxiety and food cravings-, and I even lose my health. In the middle of this maelstrom of work, which began at the end of August, I fell sick for a few days honoring that of ‘or you stop, or they stop you’. My body and mind needed to disconnect from the work and work and work routine I was in, and apparently that was the only way to force me to do it.
Clearly, everything has a limit and I know that I have reached mine when not only I get ill for it, but also when the feeling of disappointment with myself assaults me. It’s terrible to feel like this. What is worse is something that, if you follow me regularly, you will have already noticed: the last entry I posted in Working Girl Lifestyle was TWO MONTHS ago. But let me finish before you judge me superficially: the worst is not the fact of not publishing a new entry. It is that, in the worst moments when I am overwhelmed and frustrated by it, I think: if I can not respect my personal project for giving everything in others… what kind of commitment do I have to myself?
As you see, I have thought a lot on it.
I wanted my first post back to normal (after overcoming all the dates marked in the calendar that had led me to that toxic routine keeping me away from Working Girl Lifestyle) to be a relief that I gift to myself. Putting these feelings into words is a first step to get rid of them. It was by chance that I bumped into who is helping me (apart from my family, of course) to fight this battle of feelings. Leo Babauta, self-help texts writer focused on mindfulness (the concept of full consciousness about the present moment). His purpose, as he tells in his blog Zen Habits, is “to find simplicity and mindfulness in the daily chaos of our lives. It’s about clearing the clutter so we can focus on what’s important, create something amazing, find happiness”. I know it can sound like a spiritual guru, but nothing is further from reality: I religiously read his weekly newsletters in which he approaches his purpose from a practical and quite rational perspective. And hey, they’ve helped me! His articles make me reflect, I learn to become aware of my emotions and to know why I feel in a certain way. I try to put into practice the full attention of the moment whenever I can, I stop and I identify how I feel, analyzing the moment. I really recommend you subscribe to his feed and tell me what you think.
Now I know that pleasing everyone and bringing the sense of responsibility to unhealthy ends is not the most important thing. In order to give my best, I must first feel good in my own skin. And that’s what I’m working on ;-)